Chris Jones’ Lame Request for Good Sex

I will admit until yesterday I did not know who Chris Jones was, but the men in my life who, were apparently silent fan boys of his, let me know who the man was.  They told me what a talented and gifted writer he was, how many awards he had won, how he inspired many men to write.  Then, they expressed their disappointment over him writing a four paragraph essay on, Women Who Are Bad in Bed.  “WHAT?!?  How terrible!  How dare he!  Find me the essay and the man, I want to see BOTH!” was my war cry.

First they showed me a photo of their benevolent leader then they forwarded me the essay.  I read the first paragraph and said in my typical Summer of 500 Days of Summer monotone “So…..you guys are mad because your favorite writer is admitting he’s a lousy lay?”  I was greeted by a chorus of NO followed by “Keep reading!!  It gets worse.”  And it did, it really did.

I’m not going to bash the man or say “oh he’s fat” – Mr Jones already did that for all of us, no sense beating a dead horse.  I’m more curious about what made him write the piece.  Apparently he’s married, and if he’s not talking about his wife who is he talking about?  Tired of the wife and tried to fantasize about past lovers only to realize….they all sucked?  Or had he become as frustrated as me listening to friends complain over and over again about the lousy lovers in their lives?  Whatever the reason may be, it seemed Mr Jones, and the rest of world need an education on what Good Sex is.

There are some sexual myths in Mr Jones’ piece that are not conducive to the, good sex, he’s demanding.  So in an attempt to help him and others I will break it all down so that hopefully everyone can start having amazing sex.

I have a lothario friend, well endowed and blessed with an almost sociopathic stamina, and I know the women who crowd around his door like cats leave more satisfied than I’ve left women even in my dreams.

Firstly how do we know he’s “well endowed”?  Did his friend tell him this?  Did he sneak a peek at the gym one day?  Men have a habit of exaggerating penis size to impress their friends – this only perpetuates the myth of a well endowed man being a better lover.  Being well endowed has nothing to do with being great in bed, just because you have a big penis doesn’t mean you know what to do with it.  My Ex (factor) was very well endowed but, his crashing into my cervix was not very much fun for me.

Also just because someone is a “lothario” doesn’t mean they are good in bed, they are good at playing mind games and with people’s emotions, saying exactly what the other person needs to hear just so they can fuck them on a Saturday night.  The girls may crowd around him just to hear the shit he says, because they may have low self esteem and need to hear from someone how beautiful they are, or it could be because of the gift baskets he gives them.  Has there been a formal survey of these ladies?  Are they truly sexually satisfied or is he the one being sexually satisfied?  The point here is you don’t know what’s going on behind that door stop trying to compare yourself to the unknown or to a myth.  Comparing yourself to others is really not helpful in your quest for good sex.  No one is exactly like anyone else so, why would we all fuck alike?

there are women who are worse in the sack than me. I’ve slept with you: unenthusiastic, uncomfortable, and uncommunicative, the human equivalent of the space between the couch cushions, only without the bonus possibility of my finding loose change in there.

This is an angry sentence, his frustration with lack of good sex is astounding.  Does Mr Jones know that communication is a huge part of having good sex?  He says it at the end of his essay but apparently he didn’t apply it to this part, wouldn’t it have been helpful to ask the woman why she was unenthusiastic?  I had to tell my Ex (factor) his giant dick was causing damage to my cervix, verbally, with my mouth and brain moving, expressing emotions and feelings and not in a non-verbal, passive aggressive way.  What differentiates us from animals is our ability to communicate with words.  It’s okay to say to your lover, “you seem uncomfortable is there something you would like me to do more or less of…..let’s talk, I want you to get something out of this too” but in order to do that the persons have to be comfortable talking about sex and what sexually pleases them….which leads me to this:

If your man goes down on you, the terror clamp is an inappropriate physical response.

I knew one poor girl who wouldn’t have sex from behind because she thought that meant anal. Like, maybe grab a mirror and spend some time learning how your own body works. It’s nice, too, when you don’t treat our semen like it’s battery acid.

Interesting, he’s assuming everyone is sexually informed and not inhibited.  However most people are not taught about having Good Sex.  They are taught in their sex education or health classes where their sexual organs are, and the consequences of sex — STI (STD), pregnancy, AIDS, Genital Warts (HPV) etc.  Even this bare minimum of information doesn’t reach everyone, sex education is fought tooth and nail in schools, what can and cannot be taught is debated to the most miniscule of details.  Kids are not taught about oral sex and all it’s infinite pleasures and they most definitely are not taught how to perform oral sex, they are mostly taught what they will catch if they do have oral sex hence the “terror clamp” and the “battery acid” reactions.  It’s understood that most people learn about sex from porn, but what is shown in porn is not necessarily how people actually have sex.

Open discussions of oral sex and sexual positions don’t happen in sex education classes (mostly because they are not allowed) these discussions don’t happen until you’ve already had sex (most likely bad sex).  A coworker was talking about the first few times she had had sex “The guy started to go down on me and I was like WHAT, I told him to stop it, I was embarrassed, however — that was before I knew it was a requirement.”  We’re not taught this, we have to learn it, sometimes the hard way, like having sex with a man who thinks we need to look at our vaginas in the mirror because we are just bad in bed.

I had a friend once say “there are some men you can’t turn your back to, the minute you get in the doggy position dude wants to put it in the wrong hole.”  Maybe that was why the girl responded to Mr Jones in that way, or she was just sexually ignorant, whatever the reason is, it all goes back to communication:

The bottom line is that if your sex life is bad, you bear at least some of the blame — maybe even an entire half of it. Do you want better, more satisfying sex? Tell your eager man what you’d like him to do to you. And don’t be afraid to let it all out. You’re not a slut if you like sex. The freaks are the frigid ones who confuse their vaginas with their anuses.

However, I would avoid Mr Jones’ type of communication, calling someone a freak or frigid really doesn’t help anyone, as I discussed there may be reasons why the woman is frigid, being an asshole about it doesn’t really help.

What it all comes down to is this, we are a nation of sexually ignorant people.  We want to be free to have sex with whomever we like but, we don’t want our schools teaching our kids about the pleasures of oral sex or that sex is a pleasurable thing.  We want our schools to teach about abstinence but, not how to please that person you finally decide to have sex with.

Good sex can be taught, it doesn’t have to be trial and error and it doesn’t have to be copied from a porn scene so, impress me Mr Jones – teach your kids that all penises are not alike, teach them that it’s not size that matters but what you do with it, allow your kids to be taught how to sexually please themselves so that they can have fulfilling sex lives.  Teach your kids or, let them be taught, that their bodily fluids are not disgusting and that it may actually taste good to themselves or someone else.

The bottom line is, good sex needs to be taught and from your four paragraph essay you have a lot of learning to do before you can start teaching others about it.

(Uproxx posted one of my favorite responses to Chris Jones’ essay read it please)