Fifty Shades of…..Bullshit

Fifty Shades of Grey, the Twilight of erotica.  They are both poorly written, I know this will offend Twilight lovers but, it’s true.  Grey is just not a great work of literature.  It is also not the, be all end all, of erotic fiction, it’s sad to think there are people who have such boring sex lives that they would actually find this to be so, erotically thrilling.

Perhaps I am too harsh, maybe these people are secret Mormons like Mitt Romney, pious, religious, incapable of such devilish, sadist delights.  However, he did strap a dog to the roof of his car.  Romney talks about it as if it were a completely normal occurrence, “haha I don’t know why everyone is getting upset!”  Hmmm, it’s as if tying things up, degradation and humiliation were normal to him, is he a sadist??  A Mr. Grey perhaps….ew.

My dear people prior to reading this book, had it never occurred to you to tie up your lover, perhaps handcuff them, take a riding crop or, dare I say, a belt to their backside?  You wondrous lot of people reading this…Grey book, have you never desired to take your lover’s tie and gag them with it?  Why not or the better question would be, why do you need a book to give you permission to do these things?  It seems these things come naturally, or maybe they come naturally to me.

You good people, buying up all of the rope in New York City hardware stores, I feel badly for you.  You don’t know what good sex is, you don’t know what pleases you, you need permission from a book to be sexually adventurous and worst among your sins, you have horrible taste in erotic fiction.

Take a walk on the wild side of erotica and BDSM, I’ll lend you a copy of Anne Rice’s trilogy – The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty.  I’ll even throw in handcuffs, a blindfold and some Astroglide.  All I ask is that you stop hailing that Grey book as the best erotica ever written and, more importantly, that you quit buying up all of the rope in New York.  We might need it when the Zombies attack.

(since I posted a photo of woman tied up it’s only fair I end with a man beautifully tied up…..)

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3 thoughts on “Fifty Shades of…..Bullshit

  1. This: “and worst among your sins, you have horrible taste in erotic fiction” – perfect! I would like to hand deliver a copy of Delta of Venus to every woman who buys this book as some sort of intervention!!

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